Both, same girl, early. I knew Khalani forever. We were very young, and very close, and then she moved away. When her mother brought her to visit (which only happened once a year or so) we would spend the time together blissfully ignorant of ourselves. My first non-family kiss happened with her - we were probably 5 or 6, maybe. Not sure. I just remember being young and it was summer and it was somehow right. I'm not convinced that kind of childish exploration is damaging - provided both children are willing participants and there is no stigmatized trauma associated with it (which can be caused by parents overreacting to the situation; thanks to Marge Piercy for that viewpoint).
My first 'girlfriend' was Shannon, and we had the same birthday. I was something like 14 hours older than her. We were in 5th grade and that's where we both learned to kiss - not the mindless impassionate pressing of lips that Khalani and I did (which, in retrospect, is both silly and just fine), but the hormone-driven desire to have someone's lips on yours. Shannon and I were together off and on for most of middle school - most of 5th grade and then most of another grade (can't remember which), and then that was it. Not sure why, but then I wasn't introspective then, much less retrospective yet.
So there's that. First love, first kiss, twice.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Day/Entry 9: How you hope your future will be like
First, I hope my future is more grammatically-correct than this prompt would imply.
I'll be married, 2 kids, a woman who loves me for who I am, challenges me in the ways I need challenging, and supports me in that which I do. I'll be a professor of Higher Education, or maybe just an administrator, at a Research-Intensive institution. I'll live somewhere I can see my friends and family. I'll have the freedom (both of time and resources) to travel regularly to the other 170 countries I haven't been to.
Most important in all of this is that I'll be with someone I love who loves me, near the friends I love to be near, and in a job that challenges me appropriately and pays respectfully. I know that's not too detailed, but I'm not convinced more detail is necessary.
I'll be married, 2 kids, a woman who loves me for who I am, challenges me in the ways I need challenging, and supports me in that which I do. I'll be a professor of Higher Education, or maybe just an administrator, at a Research-Intensive institution. I'll live somewhere I can see my friends and family. I'll have the freedom (both of time and resources) to travel regularly to the other 170 countries I haven't been to.
Most important in all of this is that I'll be with someone I love who loves me, near the friends I love to be near, and in a job that challenges me appropriately and pays respectfully. I know that's not too detailed, but I'm not convinced more detail is necessary.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Day 8: A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life.
This actually happened the other day. Not unlike most other recent days, this one had me, the girl, and cozy joy all wrapped up in it. I can't really describe or put my finger on what made it a 'most-satisfied' type of day, but it involved having people I love, a woman I love, comfort, contentment, and a feeling of accomplishment. Sometimes I'm like her, and just want to 'squish it's little head' in my hands and make childish noises at it. In this case, 'it' was my day with her. It happens frequently now, so it's 'nothing special' in the sense of a rare occurrence. But, it's all good. Sometimes, it's that moment right before falling asleep where I remember that she like who I am, as I am, and that I actually have wonderful, close friends who'll do anything for me, a roof over my head, a job (I don't like but pays most of the bills), a car that works, two pets that love me for all their world and another that likes me when it suits her feline self, and a comfy pillow and a scratch on the back that makes me purr. Satisfying.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Day 7: zodiac sign and whether it fits me
Gemini. Totally fits. I am stereotypical - have two lives even. I'm deep in more than one thing and good at more than one thing. There's an artistic me, and a mathematical me. A stoic me, and a soft, pliable me. Fits perfectly.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Day 6: Thirty Interesting Facts About Myself
I've been looking forward to this one, which is why there are three posts today...
1. I was born with a blood blister on my head the size of a coaster, and it probably was the cause of my narrow-shaped head.
2. I did comedy, on stage, in middle school. For talent shows. I made girls pee their pants.
3. I had perfect pitch, and then I ruined it playing the drums too loud.
4. I got suspended from school in 5th grade for inciting a petition to get a sub removed from class for 'giving us the wrong assignment' in math because it was way too hard.
5. I used to steal money from my mom's purse and use it to buy people things at the a-la-carte line in order to get friends. It didn't work, but I never felt popular otherwise. Middle school was rough...
6. I have more schooling than most humans have life. I've been in college for 15 years or so, have 3 formal degrees, a master's certificate in music, and am almost to the writing phase of my Ph.D. - then I'll probably start another something.
7. I couldn't ride a bike until I was about 8 or 9 because I was scared.
8. I wouldn't catch a fly ball in little league because getting under it scared me.
9. Until I got in to high school, all that stuff that scared me got reversed and I became a daredevil.
10. I've jumped off 100 foot cliffs into Lake Powell, and 4-story buildings onto concrete. On purpose.
11. I speak Glaswegian, bad German, bad French, terrible Latin, and getting-better Swedish.
12. I've always like the character I'm not supposed to - Loki more than Thor or Odin, Hector more than Achilles, and Superman from Superman Returns more than any other version (except maybe JMS's).
13. I read comic books regularly. I collect Spider Man, Batman, and anything by Bendis, Millar, JMS, and so on.
14. I was born with blood red hair. It all fell out, I'm told, and then it came in super-blonde. My hair was platinum blonde, almost pure white, until I went to Scotland in college. It's been reddish ever since.
15. I don't have any feeling in my right index finger due to a table saw accident the summer before my freshman year.
16. I am trained in swordsmanship - at one point in the last five years I was among the top 25 rapier fighters in the world. I've been called the golden child of the weapon in the SCA, and haven't fought more than 5 times in the last year and it kills me. I used to be one of the best spear fighters in the SCA as well, but I haven't done that in much longer...
17. If I could go back and do things different, even if it meant starting over from an earlier age, I would. I have regrets and can't overcome them.
18. I don't know how to talk to women, or tell what their thinking, or if they like me. It's made for a very difficult manhood.
19. I wish I had joined the Army. I frequently fantasize about it now. When I was high school and the first Gulf War happened I was chicken and was worried. Now, I wish I would have done that rather than come to college immediately. I regret not serving my country and fellow man.
20. I tried to get on Jeopardy and Who Wants To Be a Millionaire. I never got past the first screenings, but I've always been great while playing against the show. I'm a trivia guru...
21. I envy. Too much. I wish my SES or Academic Capital or Whatever had been different so I could have been more successful.
22. Happiness comes hard to me. I have to work at accepting it and not over-thinking it or having disastrous suspicions.
23. I'm a sucker for red-heads, blondes, and girls with pale skin. And accents of a certain type.
24. Thus, girls have frequently gotten the best of me, so I have chosen to be untrusting. This leads to 22, above, and 18. I am suspicious, usually, and unbelieving when someone is being truthful.
25. I grew up in the most beautiful part of the country, on a lake, and could pilot a boat before I could ride a bike, (and waterski).
26. I studied Medieval History in Glasgow, Scotland for a year. Best academic year of my life.
27. I have applied to do a Fulbright study in Oslo, Norway, and I'm losing my mind waiting for an answer.
28. I am the king of steak. I know where to get the best quality, how to cook it, and how it is done best. Bobby Flay has nothing on me...
29. I ride a motorcycle, and have for over a decade now. I'm not on a Harley, but I'm a fan of that whole motorcycle gang subculture (although I'm probably a Rubbie)
30. I like doing dry wall - there's something about the finished project that I enjoy. I don't like most things like that, but putting it up and making it look good is awesome. Oh yeah, I'm great with my hands and as a handyman...
1. I was born with a blood blister on my head the size of a coaster, and it probably was the cause of my narrow-shaped head.
2. I did comedy, on stage, in middle school. For talent shows. I made girls pee their pants.
3. I had perfect pitch, and then I ruined it playing the drums too loud.
4. I got suspended from school in 5th grade for inciting a petition to get a sub removed from class for 'giving us the wrong assignment' in math because it was way too hard.
5. I used to steal money from my mom's purse and use it to buy people things at the a-la-carte line in order to get friends. It didn't work, but I never felt popular otherwise. Middle school was rough...
6. I have more schooling than most humans have life. I've been in college for 15 years or so, have 3 formal degrees, a master's certificate in music, and am almost to the writing phase of my Ph.D. - then I'll probably start another something.
7. I couldn't ride a bike until I was about 8 or 9 because I was scared.
8. I wouldn't catch a fly ball in little league because getting under it scared me.
9. Until I got in to high school, all that stuff that scared me got reversed and I became a daredevil.
10. I've jumped off 100 foot cliffs into Lake Powell, and 4-story buildings onto concrete. On purpose.
11. I speak Glaswegian, bad German, bad French, terrible Latin, and getting-better Swedish.
12. I've always like the character I'm not supposed to - Loki more than Thor or Odin, Hector more than Achilles, and Superman from Superman Returns more than any other version (except maybe JMS's).
13. I read comic books regularly. I collect Spider Man, Batman, and anything by Bendis, Millar, JMS, and so on.
14. I was born with blood red hair. It all fell out, I'm told, and then it came in super-blonde. My hair was platinum blonde, almost pure white, until I went to Scotland in college. It's been reddish ever since.
15. I don't have any feeling in my right index finger due to a table saw accident the summer before my freshman year.
16. I am trained in swordsmanship - at one point in the last five years I was among the top 25 rapier fighters in the world. I've been called the golden child of the weapon in the SCA, and haven't fought more than 5 times in the last year and it kills me. I used to be one of the best spear fighters in the SCA as well, but I haven't done that in much longer...
17. If I could go back and do things different, even if it meant starting over from an earlier age, I would. I have regrets and can't overcome them.
18. I don't know how to talk to women, or tell what their thinking, or if they like me. It's made for a very difficult manhood.
19. I wish I had joined the Army. I frequently fantasize about it now. When I was high school and the first Gulf War happened I was chicken and was worried. Now, I wish I would have done that rather than come to college immediately. I regret not serving my country and fellow man.
20. I tried to get on Jeopardy and Who Wants To Be a Millionaire. I never got past the first screenings, but I've always been great while playing against the show. I'm a trivia guru...
21. I envy. Too much. I wish my SES or Academic Capital or Whatever had been different so I could have been more successful.
22. Happiness comes hard to me. I have to work at accepting it and not over-thinking it or having disastrous suspicions.
23. I'm a sucker for red-heads, blondes, and girls with pale skin. And accents of a certain type.
24. Thus, girls have frequently gotten the best of me, so I have chosen to be untrusting. This leads to 22, above, and 18. I am suspicious, usually, and unbelieving when someone is being truthful.
25. I grew up in the most beautiful part of the country, on a lake, and could pilot a boat before I could ride a bike, (and waterski).
26. I studied Medieval History in Glasgow, Scotland for a year. Best academic year of my life.
27. I have applied to do a Fulbright study in Oslo, Norway, and I'm losing my mind waiting for an answer.
28. I am the king of steak. I know where to get the best quality, how to cook it, and how it is done best. Bobby Flay has nothing on me...
29. I ride a motorcycle, and have for over a decade now. I'm not on a Harley, but I'm a fan of that whole motorcycle gang subculture (although I'm probably a Rubbie)
30. I like doing dry wall - there's something about the finished project that I enjoy. I don't like most things like that, but putting it up and making it look good is awesome. Oh yeah, I'm great with my hands and as a handyman...
Day five: A time when you thought about ending your own life.
Well, I think every unpopular boy does that in middle or high school. I did, but never seriously.
After the divorce, it was very hard to go on, and I thought it about it a little, but again never seriously. I call a hotline once during that time, but it was more to feel like someone cared. I've always had good friends, and unless I'm dying from some horrible wasting disease that is incurable and causing everyone harm (or have the risk of being turned in to a zombie) there is pretty much a infinitesimal chance of anything like that happening. I'm too intellectually driven for that, and that which would be left behind for my loved ones is too much to put on them. Ever. So, while I'm not 'pure' in the sense that I've never thought about it (I'm way too dark to have never thought about it), I'm definitely not one to consider it (which is completely different from thinking about it - one is a though-experiment, one is a plan for a course of action).
I've had friends commit suicide. I've had family members do it. My parents had friends who have done it. While the individual may have ended their suffering (pending your reading of forgivable sins), it's not worth it to those left behind. Selfish cheaters...
After the divorce, it was very hard to go on, and I thought it about it a little, but again never seriously. I call a hotline once during that time, but it was more to feel like someone cared. I've always had good friends, and unless I'm dying from some horrible wasting disease that is incurable and causing everyone harm (or have the risk of being turned in to a zombie) there is pretty much a infinitesimal chance of anything like that happening. I'm too intellectually driven for that, and that which would be left behind for my loved ones is too much to put on them. Ever. So, while I'm not 'pure' in the sense that I've never thought about it (I'm way too dark to have never thought about it), I'm definitely not one to consider it (which is completely different from thinking about it - one is a though-experiment, one is a plan for a course of action).
I've had friends commit suicide. I've had family members do it. My parents had friends who have done it. While the individual may have ended their suffering (pending your reading of forgivable sins), it's not worth it to those left behind. Selfish cheaters...
Day four: views on religion
A lot of people might find this surprising, but I'm a Christian. I have been my entire life. I attended church 3 times a week until I went off to college. And then I quit. By then, I'd had enough of watching men dictate what God wanted, be mean and spiteful and harmful to each other, and do so in the name of the 'church'. So, I'm not a church-going Christian. But, I believe he died for my sins, I was baptized for forgiveness, belive that his revelation (the words in red) are the key to everlasting life in heaven, and I try to live my life to the best of my ability. I don't go to church, don't wear my religion on my vest, but those that know me know that I am a faithful, devoted person, will do anything for my friends, try to help my fellow man, and wile I probably could use a cleansing of my verbage to sound better, but I'm a good person.
I also believe that men have screwed up religion. Being faithful is one thing. Being a zealot may be good, but I don't think anyone has it right. I'm not Jewish, but Christ was an all he wanted to do was reform Judaism. I'm not Muslim but the Prophet converted to monotheism and believed that Judaism and Christianity were valid paths to salvation, if only damaged by the work of men. Christians who call Jews and Muslims heretics (or vice-versa) are missing the point - you're supposed to love thy neighbor as thy self, not cast the first stone...
I don't believe in reincarnation, and while Buddhism is a great way to live a normatively good life (and I don't think it is inherently incompatible with Christianity - the four noble truths and the eightfold path aren't too different from Christian teachings), it lacks a wholesome forgiving quality that is embodied by Christ. Hinduism is archaic, and while culturally valid I don't see that it is a proscription for living a good life.
My best friend is Baha'i and while I don't agree with the concept of a late revelation as witnessed by their founder, he and his wife (and their community) are the BEST people I know. They don't hate, they don't judge, they don't harm, and they do everything they can to live the best life and are paragons of goodness. They are, unfortunately, better than any Christians I have met. So, if their faith is some backwater paganism founded in Zoroastrian theology then whatever. They love like a Christian should.
I agree with Ghandi - "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."
I also believe that men have screwed up religion. Being faithful is one thing. Being a zealot may be good, but I don't think anyone has it right. I'm not Jewish, but Christ was an all he wanted to do was reform Judaism. I'm not Muslim but the Prophet converted to monotheism and believed that Judaism and Christianity were valid paths to salvation, if only damaged by the work of men. Christians who call Jews and Muslims heretics (or vice-versa) are missing the point - you're supposed to love thy neighbor as thy self, not cast the first stone...
I don't believe in reincarnation, and while Buddhism is a great way to live a normatively good life (and I don't think it is inherently incompatible with Christianity - the four noble truths and the eightfold path aren't too different from Christian teachings), it lacks a wholesome forgiving quality that is embodied by Christ. Hinduism is archaic, and while culturally valid I don't see that it is a proscription for living a good life.
My best friend is Baha'i and while I don't agree with the concept of a late revelation as witnessed by their founder, he and his wife (and their community) are the BEST people I know. They don't hate, they don't judge, they don't harm, and they do everything they can to live the best life and are paragons of goodness. They are, unfortunately, better than any Christians I have met. So, if their faith is some backwater paganism founded in Zoroastrian theology then whatever. They love like a Christian should.
I agree with Ghandi - "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."
Friday, December 10, 2010
Day three: Your views on drugs and alcohol
Pff.
I don't drink because it all tastes like piss. Drinking isn't bad, I just never got in to it. Too much is terrible, and I know I'm better off (both financially and intellectually) because I don't. I'm glad my lady doesn't get drunk and my abstinence doesn't bother her.
I don't do drugs, because I'm not retarded. I'm going to get dumber as I get older anyway, and I can't imagine what is good about taking something that speeds up the neural decay that comes with age. I think, and this isn't based in science, that all these people my age and younger who think weed is perfectly fine and that everyone is doing it are idiots. They're going to all be in homes by the time their 65, suffering from neuropathic diseases and Alzheimer's and Parkinson's and so on.
I would, though, like to hallucinate. That said, I'm not going to take something that brings that about. I have a kidney thing that means all I can take for pain is Aspirin, so I'm pretty much clean as a whistle at this point.
So, there's that...
I don't drink because it all tastes like piss. Drinking isn't bad, I just never got in to it. Too much is terrible, and I know I'm better off (both financially and intellectually) because I don't. I'm glad my lady doesn't get drunk and my abstinence doesn't bother her.
I don't do drugs, because I'm not retarded. I'm going to get dumber as I get older anyway, and I can't imagine what is good about taking something that speeds up the neural decay that comes with age. I think, and this isn't based in science, that all these people my age and younger who think weed is perfectly fine and that everyone is doing it are idiots. They're going to all be in homes by the time their 65, suffering from neuropathic diseases and Alzheimer's and Parkinson's and so on.
I would, though, like to hallucinate. That said, I'm not going to take something that brings that about. I have a kidney thing that means all I can take for pain is Aspirin, so I'm pretty much clean as a whistle at this point.
So, there's that...
Day two: Where I'd like to be in 10 years.
I'd like to be a professor in a research university, ideally in an international city (a place with easy travel to/from my research sites in Europe and Africa). I want to do something in the realm of investigating the differences and comparisons in higher education between US and other schools, as I firmly believe that we can (and should) learn from those other places and generally choose to be egocentric and ignore them.
I think in 10 years I should have a kid that's at least 5, maybe two. I don't want to be doing the little kid thing when I'm 50 and I'm 35 now. I sound like a woman - so I should probably get married too somewhere between here and there. Ten years ago I didn't want kids, 5 years I did and couldn't have them, now it's not too late anymore.
Oh, and I want to have Great Danes. And maybe a terrier or something to boss them around.
I think in 10 years I should have a kid that's at least 5, maybe two. I don't want to be doing the little kid thing when I'm 50 and I'm 35 now. I sound like a woman - so I should probably get married too somewhere between here and there. Ten years ago I didn't want kids, 5 years I did and couldn't have them, now it's not too late anymore.
Oh, and I want to have Great Danes. And maybe a terrier or something to boss them around.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Day 1: Your current relationship
She's great. I was resistant at first, very slow to accept the fact that someone in my life could actually like me for me, for who I am, as I am. So, I was resistant. Now, though, I'm pretty much stuck and happy about it. We have the right things in common, she's a better, more caring person than I am, and it makes me happy to be able to be the dark one with some light to strive towards. So, it's the best thing that's happened in nearly a decade, and I'm happier (and hopefully) better for it.
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