No Such Thing As Pandas

Here goes.

Every time I see a 'panda', it's doing something like this:

Maybe this:

Either way, that 'panda' could be my uncle Larry during a Jets game.

Fat. Lazy. Eating. Lounging.

Which led me to thinking, I've never seen a panda.

Actually, I have. Or at least what looks like a panda. I was 6" from one in the Berlin zoo, and I'm still not convinced it wasn't my uncle Larry in a panda-suit. So, with Capitalism reeling from a global recession, China on the upswing through unfair corporate tactics and the general rape of their environment, it occurred to me that this whole Panda Phenomenon might be a long, painful conspiracy on the part of the Chinese Government.

Ever since they suckered Nixon in to visiting, and gave the National Zoo those first 'bears', the U.S. has been struggling to maintain a secure lead over Asian countries in business, economics, math, science, and dark hair.

Pandas. That's why. They put people in convincing bear costumes and forced them to pretend to be a rare 'native species'. Probably where all the Falun Gong supporters have gone. And the Tiananmen protesters.

So, all those people the Chinese government want to keep quiet are permanently sealed in high-tech panda suits, complete with voice inhibitors and deadly claws. They're cumbersome, though, and after a while it sort of grows on you. Thus, they can't get out, can't tell anyone they are in there, and so on. Maybe they've been lobotomized too. Doesn't matter.

What matters is that you've never seen a panda either. No one I know has first-hand experience with a panda. Nothing better than my 6-inches-through-the-glass experience. Every picture? Guy in a suit. Every little animal? Animatronics. (Jim Henson did it, and with him unfortunately out of the picture, no one is protecting his patents).

If you think you've got proof of a panda, I just remind you that Chewbacca was fake too.

So, don't believe everything you read. Don't believe everything you hear. Be skeptical. Is Obama trying to take our guns? Not sure - probably pandas. Is Glenn Beck paid by the Antichrist to slander democrats? Not sure - probably pandas. Are aliens abducting people and probing them in order to ultimately take over our planet? Definitely pandas.

Which introduces the point of this blog. I'm driven by a desire to randomly word-vomit stuff that's on my mind. Much will be for me. Some for others. Some for no one in particular. If you like it, great. If not, don't read it. I'm going to predict that a lot of this is going to involve the life of my twins, who turn either 1 or 7 next month, depending on how you measure these things.

Thanks for the time...