Biters can bite me

So, I saw the first Twilight movie. Didn't think it was that horrible. So I read the book. Again, not that horrible. I really enjoy scenes where vampires/monsters/powers do stuff that's designed to make mere mortal humans quail in their drawers. So, watching a dude stop a car with his hand was cool. The terrible CGI-running-through-the-woods stuff, that killed my soul a little. Anyway, it wasn't all horrible.

Then 6 months passed. The trailers for New Moon came out and again, they showed badass monsters doing badass monster things. I was driven by a desire to see a werewolf just shred the hell out of a vampire - either alone (badass) or in a pack (more badass). The trailer teased me, so I wanted to see New Moon.

The woman in my life, for whom I have much thanks and appreciation, hadn't seen the first film, so I Netflixed it in order to give her a chance to be on first base when the 2nd one came out.

Big mistake.
Terrible, huge, big mistake.

Turns out, I'm an idiot. Or a fanboy-for-a-moment.

Turns out that Twilight was actually terrible. Horrible acting. Horrible leads. Weak, lame, poorly executed Romeo & Juliet moments. And frankly, the 'actress' who plays Bella only had two emotions.

And don't get me started on the falling in love forever, at first sight nonsense.

So, after the first DVD was finished, she said "That was really bad". More derision on the actress that played Bella, and her one-dimensional character.

And I just couldn't get in to vampire-boy's 'charming, glittering good looks'.  Looks to me like he got hit in the face with a shovel - except it didn't break his nose, just flattened everything out.

Then, we watch another film with her in it (Adventureland), and she was THE EXACT SAME PERSON! The show wasn't bad, but she portrayed the exact same emotional stretch, depth, and variation as she did when playing Bella. So, the woman in my life for whom I have much affection said "Maybe it's just her".

Enter New Moon. I have to admit, it did take 30 minutes before we couldn't resist complaining about the slow pacing, terrible storyline, horribly sudden plot jerks, and the unfortunate downplay of the Vampires v. Werewolves moment. (And the big hole in the ethics, where the wolf says the vampires get to hang out unless one of them bites a human - after the human tells the wolf that one of them bit her. Should have been open season on the leeches.)

Again, it was terrible. Which made me wonder, what the hell are all these people thinking? Sure, it's made for women (who don't want wolf-vamp violence as much as they may prefer 'true love'). Sure, it's made by committee (Stephanie Meyer didn't write the screenplay, and producers spend money to keep their fingers in the pie). But still, it really wasn't very good.

Again, the woman in my life whom I can't get enough of, pointed out something interesting. The other characters in the film (the rest of the vampires, the outsider werewolves, the friends in the high school (including the one with the Oscar nomination for Up in the Air) and the vampires in Italy) - all of them are MORE INTERESTING than Bella and Edward. Hell, even Jacob was overshadowed by the rest of the wolves.

Plus, they got Dakota Fanning to play what seems like the baddest vampire of them all. Not sure what she can do, why she can do it, and why she isn't ruling the world, but she's interesting. I want to know more about her. And Alice. And the rest of the Cullens. Anyone but Edward and Bella.

DAKOTA FANNING! And the power, well, that does it for me. I want to see Vampires wreck people. I want to see the wreck each other. The one that can do so with a thought - that's the movie I want to see.

Don't get me wrong, I like a good love story. The Romeo & Juliet with Claire Danes was pretty good. I watch Love, Actually pretty much every time TiVo picks it up. I laughed at The Proposal. I'm kind of a sucker for love. Teen infatuation, though, not so much.

Anyway, I just wanted to vomit about what is being sold to little girls as an empowering relationship between THE MAN and his little woman, who needs him to keep her safe, needs him to make her feel good, needs him to feel a thrill, needs him in order to have any strength of personality or worth in the world. She's not smart. She's not talented. She's not graceful. She's just 'special' in the world of Vampires - without which she'd just be that girl in the cast at the dance...

Edward, Bella... y'all can bite me.